There was no reason tonight should be different. It was the same walk, with the same suffocating silence, and the same consuming darkness. She’d go home (if that’s what you wanted to call it), chug water, sleep, dream of simpler times, wake up, and live another day. Lex didn’t always remember her dreams, but the ones she did were always about him, Killian Decker. And they were really good dreams she didn’t want to wake up from. She was far from happy in her current life, but she was slowly getting there. She had Ritual, new friends, and a job doing what she was good at. It was the lingering anxiety and fear she needed to purge. Then maybe she would be content.

But there was something about tonight that was different, something in her gut she couldn’t shake. Normally, Lex never ignored her intuition. It held powerful influence over her work. She never did anything she had a bad gut feeling about. Perhaps it was the whiskey that dulled this sixth sense tonight or else she would have turned around to see the shadow of a man following her.

“What the-“ she jumped from the sudden movement in the darkness. She was always on edge now-a-days. But there was a familiar, calming sensation to touch of the Espeon, “Loveless,” she whispered instinctively, not yet comprehending what that actually meant.

What was only a brief moment felt like an eternity to her as it truly sank in. First it was Loveless, then the footsteps behind her, then Little Dove.

A swell of emotions rose up. Fear was the strongest of them, but that voice brought with it so many more. The pit in her stomach grew into a void. She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t move. She wanted to see his face, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn around. It would only make things worse.

Her instincts whispered RUN. She reached for Aubie’s pokeball but paused. He would be useless as soon as he saw Killian. The moment of hesitation was enough to clue Killian into her next move. She was going to do this the old-fashioned way: literally run.

Killian Decker

He just wanted to talk, but that’s not what she heard. Her mind was already racing and spinning from the combination of adrenaline and side effects of the whiskey. Maybe he actually did just want to talk. But Lex was so well-seasoned from giving in to the paranoia over the past year that she wouldn’t be thinking straight, regardless. In her mind, her past meant her doom. Killian was involved with her old boss. And her old boss wanted her dead.

So, she ran.

Well, she tried.

Why the fuck did she hesitate?

Deep down she knew why. There was a part of her buried beneath all the deception, anger, fear, and desperation that didn’t want to run. And that part won.

Lex struggled, trying to break free of his iron grip. But all it took was the whisper in her ear for the desire to run to start to melt away. So, she gave into it and sank back into his arms. Her heavy breathing and pounding heart filled the void of the silence. She could feel his breath on her cheek. Lex moved her head just enough to steal a look at his profile in the darkness. It really was him.

And all he wanted was answers.

Did she really have a choice? If he wanted her dead, I guess she would be already . . . right? After another breath she answered, “Fine,” the word was short and simple, but it had a lot to unpack. There was a shakiness to her voice that reflected the uncharacteristic fear she’d been living with over the past year, “I won’t run,” she promised, waiting for him to let her go before she slowly turned around to face the past that had finally caught up with her.

“I shouldn’t be surprised,” she mused out loud, her voice still held an uncertainty in it. It was quieter then he would remember, timid almost, “I knew it would only be a matter of time before someone caught up with me,” she let her amber eyes drift up to meet his, and the world stopped spinning.

Killian Decker

Lex could catch the faintest hue of his aqua eyes when the dull light hit them just right. She couldn’t look away. In an almost trance-like state, she involuntarily took another step closer, just to get a better look. Like an addict fixed on the addiction she found herself wanting more. Just one more step closer leading to one more touch, then one kiss and she’d be satisfied. But just a little more was never enough. Even after all this time she struggled to control the urge. There was a longing in her eyes shadowed by the darkness. It wasn’t only a longing for Killian, but a longing for her previous life; The life before her mom got sick and she lived in peaceful bliss alongside her king.

There was no doubt it was good he found her first, but she didn’t respond to the statement, still wary, but growing more comfortable. She assumed he wasn’t looking for her. If he really wanted to find her, he would have done so quickly through his web of informants. Of course, Lex had no idea what happened to him. She always wondered and her imagination ran wild, but she dared not to make contact with anyone from Johto so she lived in a constant state of unknowing.

She broke the eye contact when Loveless gently hopped onto her shoulder. She relished in the familiar affection of the Espeon. Her touch certainly had a calming effect to it. The thief could easily recall countless nights falling asleep peacefully to the deep hum of her purr. Lex closed her eyes and a small smile curled at the edges of her lips, “Hi, Loveless,” she greeted, bringing a hand up to scratch the pokemon’s chin affectionately.

Lex’s smile grew wider at Killian’s subtle jest, “I missed you too,” she whispered, uncertain if she was speaking to Loveless or Killian. But when her eyes opened again and flashed back to him, it was clear what she meant.

The softness of her features brought out by Loveless hardened again when Killian asked the first question, knowing there would be more to follow. And much harder ones, “Let’s not do this . . here,” she motioned vaguely to the dark Slateport street they stood in. She was hesitant to take him back to her apartment which was only a few blocks away, but she would have to move again anyway so it was better than this.

She spun on her heels to continue down the street with Loveless in tow. After a few silent steps she answered his first question, “I don’t know, Ian. It was the first boat I could stow away on,” Lex admitted, still bitter about not formulating a better plan. It all happened so fast, and she was so scared. The reminder made her uneasy, she reached up to touch Loveless, craving the earlier moment of bliss the Espeon brought to her.

Killian Decker

How he looked away bitterly when he questioned the truth behind her words sent a knife through her heart. He had every right to be angry. After all, she left him so suddenly then proceeded to disappear without a warning. She could have prevented his pain and that was something that haunted her.

Truthfully, she thought about it often. How different would life be if she just asked him for help? Or just confided in him? Would he have helped her? Put it all on the line for her? And it was those questions that reminded her why she did it in the first place. Lex wanted her revenge, but she wasn’t willing to drag Killian down with her. She convinced herself his pain was worth it, that it would save him. He’d move on without her and he wouldn’t have to run.

As usual, Killian was right. She’d be in a very different situation if she applied the same principles she used in her work to exact her revenge. For someone who meticulously planned every job she did, she royally fucked up. She knew that. She was living with the consequences.

She didn’t need the lecture. If Killian was looking for the fiery Lex earlier, it was there now in the sideways glance she cast him. Her brows furrowed and you could see her stand a little straighter in preparation to defend her decisions, “Yea, well they pissed me off,” she growled, implying she could be just as dangerous which they both knew wasn’t true in the slightest. She shoved a hand in her pocket to forcibly remove a set of keys.

The ’I love you’ came at impeccable timing just as she was fidgeting with the keys in the lock, nearly dropping them. It may have been a casual part of the sentence but those were the three words she focused on. After a brief pause, she collected herself and unlocked the door to a narrow flight of stairs, “Yes. I was,” she sounded confident in that answer but she couldn’t lie to Killian, “Just not clearly . . .” she finished in a more uncertain tone.

She led him up two flights of stairs in silence to her very mediocre, bare studio apartment. Minimal was an understatement. The only furniture in the decently sized room was a full bed shoved in a corner and a single square table with one chair near the window that looked out at the shadier part of Slateport’s harbor. The only color in the room was the small stack of pokeballs on the kitchen table accompanied by a few small tubes of paint and a few small paint brushes. She still liked to customize each of her pokemon’s pokeballs. They were easier to find in a hurry. Aubie’s bared the brilliant blue stripe, Smoke’s the purple skull, and Thorn’s the purple rose.

Loveless leapt off of Lex’s shoulders as she moved to shrug her jacket off and toss it onto the kitchen’s breakfast bar along with her belt. She eyed the half-filled bottle so whiskey near the sink but decided to leave it alone. Instead, she moved towards the window, crossing her arms and leaning gently against the wall. She purposefully put space between them. She didn’t trust herself. She knew there were more questions coming so she steeled her nerves and turned to face him, “I don’t regret what I did,” she stated simply, getting that out of the way immediately, “But I do regret the how,” she spoke truthfully, her eyes shamefully breaking away and focusing out the window.

Killian Decker

Lex knew her apartment was far from impressive. It wasn’t a home, just a temporary place to stay. She moved fairly often, never staying too long. But a jail cell? Is that what he just said? She cast him a quick, uncertain look from beside the window. Lex didn’t remember Killian ever going to jail . . . She hadn’t made the connection yet.

He continued to talk, articulating his story in words laced with resentment and, worse, disappointment, maybe a splash of anger. He moved closer, but that’s not what she was focused on. Lex heard what he was saying but didn’t understand what he was saying. Her body slowly turned to face him; she was looking at Killian like he had three heads. What the fuck was he talking about?

It took so long for her to understand because it was something she didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to accept. It was something so big that it shook her right to her very core. She thought she had been so careful to leave Killian out of it all, “No,” she simply said, a small, quiet, nervous laugh followed. The first stage of grief was denial, “Th-that’s not right, that can’t be right,” she shook her head, mostly talking to herself as her brain painfully worked through the new information.

But it was true. That’s where he’s been. That’s why it took so long. It all made sense. Lex could feel her heart pounding in her ears. Her stomach clenched and the ball of anxiety moved up her throat, tears welling in the corner of her eyes. His hand gently touched her cheek, she pushed it away, “No, Killian. You weren’t supposed to be there,” her voice this time was firm, commanding, as if she was scolding him for something. The second stage of grief was anger.

He wasn’t supposed to be there, “I-I was so careful,” she shook her head, pushing past him to pace her small apartment. Suddenly, she was burning up, fight back the tears, “You weren’t supposed to be there,” she choked out past the lump in her throat again.

She did this to him. Her selfish, careless, caustic actions did this to him. Her fingers ran through her red hair, to hold it back while she paced. There was nothing to bargain, so she moved directly to fourth stage of grief: depression. This was all her fault.

As Lex finally understood this was her fault, she stopped pacing, stood up and looked at Killian. She accepted all his pain, all his suffering, all his disappointment and resentment onto her shoulders. The weight of it was crushing. Her eyes widened as the lump in her throat slowly moved up, choking her, while her stomach twisted into a knot.

She did this.

Acceptance.

She was gonna be sick.

She covered her mouth with one hand and spun around to rush towards the small bathroom. The door slammed behind her and she purged herself of the pain.

Killian Decker

The purge wasn’t enough to dull the pain she felt tearing through her heart. Were her actions really worth it now? Now that she knew what she did to Killian, the man she loved with all of her being, her king . . . was it worth it? She didn’t know the answer.

Puking stopped the tears but the few that made it through lightly smudged the black mascara that painted her lashes. Her hand blindly reached up to strike the handle. The contents of the toilet disappeared but her disgust with herself remained. She pushed herself away from the porcelain bowl and sat against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest. Lex could feel his presence at the door before he said anything. She always knew when he was near. It was the only time she felt whole.

She looked towards the barrier as he spoke but even the small jest didn’t crack a smile. How could she possibly face him again now knowing what she did? There was another strong urge to run though that would be the worst possible thing she could do right now. Even if running wouldn’t make it easier, anything was better than having to witness the hurt in his eyes over again. A hurt she put there. Fortunately, this bathroom didn’t have a window, so she was forced to stay.

Lex too was at a loss for words. Her eyes locked on to his subtly shifting shadow beneath the door frame. For a year he thought she betrayed him. She couldn’t imagine the pain if the roles been reversed. She sat in silence with her self-hatred for another minute.

She never responded to Killian. But he could hear the shuffle of feet as she stood up, a rustling through drawers to find her toothbrush, the running sink, the spitting, and finally the soft rustle of the door handle as she placed a hand on it.

There, she paused and closed her eyes, still uncertain of what she could possibly say. An apology would never be enough to right her wrong.

When the door opened, she looked at him with timid eyes that glistened with the threat of tears again. She had only ever cried a handful of times in her life, and maybe only once or twice in front of Killian. Normally she remained a stoic, stubborn bitch but that was reserved for others, not the someone that her world once revolved around. He got the deep, raw, real Lex.

So, the tears came as her mouth parted, “I-I’m so sorry, Killian,” was all she could manage to say.

Killian Decker